


Unwavering Thoughts

by UmiHinode



Series: The Story is Eternal [8]
Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Study, Drama, Established Relationship, F/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-11 23:47:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15327087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UmiHinode/pseuds/UmiHinode
Summary: They both loved one another so much it would destroy them, but for completely different reasons.





	Unwavering Thoughts

For more than twenty years, Celty Sturluson had watched Kishitani Shinra grow.

When she had first boarded the ship that would take her to Japan in search of her head, she had no idea just how intertwined her life would become with the father and son willing to assist her. There was no way of knowing just how important Shinra would become to her, someone who shouldn't have been able to grow close to anyone. As a Dullahan, a harbinger of death, Celty had only one purpose. She had no reason to develop connections with human beings when her only interactions with them were just before their death, and when she was so far removed from this concept of "humanity."

But Shinra loved her when no one else did.

From the tender age of four onward, he had been completely enamored with her. It had taken years for her to be able to grasp the concept of love. From the vague memories she retained from her life before, she was able to discern one simple thing: that love was never a part of her life. She debated on whether or not her head would hold more information, but for twenty years, it wasn't as a big of a concern as finding her head in the first place. In the beginning, Shinra was just the son of the man gracious enough to allow her to live under his roof. He was a bright-eyed, impressionable little boy that would certainly be led down the wrong path if his father had anything to say about it. Had her heart not been so cold, she might have considered taking Shinra away from Shingen.

She wasn't sure what it was, but something about Shinra stirred something inside her. How was unknown especially to her; Dullahans had no functional organs, brain included. Shinra had developed his own theories over the years, but Celty supposed her ability to feel emotions would remain a mystery until she found her head. Regardless of how she experienced them, her feelings were real, tangible. She was cold by nature, but something about Shinra warmed her heart.

He wasn't scared of her. He treated her as he would any human being, as if she wasn't this abnormal, nonhuman monster. Even as a young child, he did his best to make her feel loved. She was the first person he spoke to every morning and the last every night, always with that wide smile of his. It wasn't hard to miss how Shinra glowed whenever he was around her.

At first, she reasoned this feeling was somewhat of a maternal instinct. Shinra was strange, but it was an endearing strangeness, much unlike his father. With Shinra's mother out of the picture, perhaps she yearned to fill that role, to repay his kindness and to help him avoid going down the wrong path. For a while, she figured her influence had helped. Once he started elementary school, it didn't take him long to come home boasting about a new friend - his only friend, but a friend regardless. The stories he told were a bit of a cause for concern ("Today, Shizuo-kun threw a desk at some bullies!"), along with Shinra's reactions ("He heals so fast, too... I should do some tests!"), but for the most part, Celty supposed she was happy.

_"Celty?"_  A young, drowsy Shinra had called to her one night, tugging on her suit made of shadows with his tiny hands.  _"Promise me you'll stay with us?"_

_It's not as if I have anywhere else to go,_ she thought to herself. Retrieving the notepad she used to communicate, she wrote, " _I'll stay as long as I can"_ before getting down on her knees, showing the note to Shinra and placing a hand on his shoulder. Though she hadn't fulfilled his promise, he still flung his arms around her, beaming despite everything.

Celty was fortunate enough to have found the Kishitanis, and she knew that kindness - tolerance, rather - wouldn't be easily found elsewhere. She supposed that, unless the memories in her head told her otherwise, then even if she were to find it, she wouldn't abandon Shinra. As much as she disliked Shingen's experiments (and everything else about him), she wouldn't mind staying.

The years began to pass like it was nothing. Back in Ireland, from what she could remember, the years had blended together and had no significance to someone hundreds, perhaps even thousands of years old. But as she watched Shinra grow up, she realized just how precious time was. From middle school to high school, from high school to his life as an underground doctor, she had watched him change in what felt like the blink of an eye. Before she knew it, it had been twenty years since she had arrived in Japan, and there was Shinra, proposing marriage.

She hadn't even considered that the strange feeling inside of her could be love until that moment.

It didn't feel like love; at least, not based off what she had learned about it. Then again, cheesy TV dramas weren't the best source of information, especially those that suited Shinra's taste. (She couldn't count the amount of times she had caught him crying when he thought he was alone, or how many times he had clung to her shoulder when they watched them together.) It didn't consume her as she thought it would. She was able to live her life normally, uninhibited by these emotions. However, love, like all aspects of humanity, was complicated and beyond her understanding. But were these concepts reserved exclusively for humans, she wondered?

_I have the same values as a human being. I have the same heart. And my heart can find common ground with a human's. I think._

She would have been content with them carrying on as they always had, but that feeling remained.

In that moment, she couldn't have been more angry at Shinra, discovering that he had known the truth about her head yet hidden it from her for his own selfish gain.

_[I'm not going to leave you just because I get my head back.]_

_"That might be your desire, but it might not be your head's."_

Shinra was right, she wouldn't deny that. She knew that, yet she still wanted to stay. In twenty years, she herself had changed. She had grown to love Shinra, to love Ikebukuro, and to be possibly even more human than the people around her.

_[You're such an idiot.]_ She relayed to Shinra as she accepted his embrace, only after he had allowed her to punch him.

If Shinra was yang and she was yin, he was selfish while she was selfless. She knew Shinra to be selfish, and still she loved him. There were so many things to love about him. He was passionate, intelligent, determined, funny, and a little odd, but Celty embraced it. The good, the bad, and everything in between; Celty accepted it wholeheartedly.

Celty Sturluson was in love with Kishitani Shinra, Kishitani Shinra was in love with Celty Sturluson, and they both loved one another so much it would destroy them, but for completely different reasons.

Their relationship wasn't healthy. Celty knew this. Shinra had proved it, time and time again. Everything he did, he did for Celty - is what he had everyone, including himself, believe.

She could only remain complacent for so long.

Celty hated Orihara Izaya; that was no secret. But knowing that he was one of Shinra's oldest friends, one of his  _only_ friends, and that Shinra would dismiss him as if he meant nothing, especially when there was a probable chance that he was dead... she just couldn't take it.

"I always said I would simply have one less friend. I have you, after all!"

She became darkness itself. She hadn't intended to, but a rage she hadn't felt since that night Shinra was kidnapped, and she regained her memories, came flooding out of her. Shadows poured into the room and shot out at Shinra, backing him into the corner of the hotel room they had been staying in. Both of them had no choice but to succumb.

_Why?_ Her desperate plea echoed throughout the room.  _Why do you have to only care about me? Why do you do these things for me?_

Shinra opened his mouth to speak, but Celty's final question interrupted him.

_Why are you so horrible, Shinra?_

Without a head, Celty had no way of crying, but the tremors in the now shapeless form of hers told both of them otherwise. She fell silent, and collapsed to the ground, her shadows returning to her and reshaping her body before wrapping her in a cocoon. She couldn't bring herself to face Shinra after that.

"You're right. I am horrible," Shinra said, his voice distorted by the barrier between them. "I won't apologize for anything, because that's not fair to you." Celty remained silent, prompting him to continue. Pointlessly, he asked, "This isn't about Orihara-kun, is it?"

With her voice gone once again, Celty resorted to forming words with her shadows on the outside of the cocoon.  _Of course not, you idiot._

"What should I say, Celty?" Shinra asked softly. "I want to say that I'll change for you, because I truly want to, but I suppose that just sounds like a lie, doesn't it?"

Celty hesitated before writing her response.  _Kind of._

With a chuckle, Shinra said, "Thank you for being honest."

_I just want you to care._ Celty wrote, struggling to piece together her thoughts, evidenced as the characters moved around and changed shape, some disappearing as the sentence continued.  _I want you to care about people other than me. I want you to care about yourself._

"Care about myself?" She heard a silent laugh in that pained voice of his.

_This isn't healthy, Shinra._

"I really don't need anyone other than you, Celty. Not even myself. I'm okay with this."

_You can't live like this._

The shadows that formed the cocoon cracked, disappearing into the air and revealing a smiling Shinra. Somehow, he could still force himself to smile in front of her, just to keep up a pointless facade.  _It's okay._ She wanted to tell him.  _It's okay to be upset. I said horrible things. You should be mad at me!_

She almost reached out to him, but she couldn't.

_I think we need some time apart. I'm sorry._

And so, the Headless Rider disappeared. She walked out the door without looking back, mounted Shooter, and rode off into the night. All she did that night was drive, pushing herself farther and farther away from the one most important to her in hopes that he wouldn't, couldn't follow. For days, all she did was drive, unburdened by the lack of food and rest. In the beginning, all she could think about was Shinra. It took every bit of self control she had not to turn around and run back to him. This was something she had to do, and she refused to give in. After all, they had never had time apart before. Shinra needed this distance.  _Celty_ needed this distance.

She lost herself as she drove. It was oddly freeing, being alone in an unfamiliar place, and soon her worries began to subside. She emptied her mind of her anxiety, and opened it to the sights around her. The names of the cities and states all blended together as she passed through, but what stuck with her was how, somehow, was how the bustling, crowded cities reminded her all too much of Ikebukuro, and how the miles upon miles of plains once she was outside city limits brought her back to her time in Ireland. If she could be homesick for two different places at once, she certainly was. Her recovered memories of her homeland brought up a nostalgia and longing she had never quite been able to experience before. At the same time, Japan had become her home. Ireland had essentially become nothing to her. She rejected her purpose as a Dullahan, and rejected her thousands of years of life before her time in Japan. It was nothing but a reminder of the past.

Naturally, her longing for Ikebukuro brought Shinra into the center of her thoughts once again.

_"Forget that you ever saw me."_ She had said that night she had been reunited with her head.

_"I see that you're quite the liar today, Celty."_

She couldn't bring herself to look back. Shooter froze, nearly forcing her to. In that dry, hollow voice she had adapted, she commanded,  _"What are you doing, Shooter? Get going."_

_"'Do as I say and go, Shooter. If you just stand there, I'll have lied in vain.' Right?"_

Shooter whinnied frantically as Shinra spoke, and Celty finally allowed herself to turn her head.  _"Human... Who are you?"_

Shinra smiled.  _"Let's see... 'What are you doing here? Seeing you will only make it more painful to part, and if I pretend I forgot everything, you'd be more likely to give up!' Right?"_

Still, she couldn't give in.  _"What are you talking about?"_

_"I don't doubt that you've regained your head's memories,"_ Shinra continued, his smile still in tact.  _"And I'm just as certain of one thing: that your memories of this city are still inside you."_

_"What drivel is that?"_

_"Now that I've spoken to you, I know I'm right. You're as kind as ever, Celty."_ He laughed.  _"Maybe just a little too kind, though."_

Slowly, he limped towards her, balanced by the crutch underneath his arm.  _"'Stop it! I shouldn't exist in this city! And so the least I could do is to vanish after bringing an end to all this chaos! If they thought I'd lost my memories of this city, I was sure they'd give up! Why would you go and ruin my plan when it's you I want to most forget about me?'"_

_"Ridiculous,"_ she muttered.

_"Don't be like that. Look at me, will you, Celty?"_

_"Never mind, human,"_ she said hurriedly in an attempt to cut him off.  _"I've had enough of your delusions."_

Not willing to bear any more, she watched as her shadows engulfed the man she loved before facing the darkness of night. Clutching at Shooter's reigns, she shouted,  _"Go! Go on, Shooter!"_ With his neck bowed, Shooter moved forward. Despite the protests of the people she was leaving behind, Celty moved forward, and disappeared into the night.

_"Don't be so grumpy, Shooter."_ Celty tried her best to soothe her Coiste Bodhar, but it was no use.  _"It had to be like this. Now that I've regained all of my memories, if I were to live among humans, I'd only cause them even more suffering."_ Shooter neighed in response, and she let out a sad chuckle.  _"Yes, it hurts. I admit it does hurt, Shooter. I want Shinra to forget about me, and yet I don't want to forget about him."_

In that moment, there was no way to expect what happened next. Suddenly, there was Shinra, yelling as he soared past her like it was nothing. Startled, Celty scrambled for words, but all she could do was reach her hands out to him, joining him in his descent.

_"Celty, I'm sorry."_

_Red eyes. Saika! Damn-_

Everything flashed before her as she extended her hand, just barely grasping Shinra's, cradling him against her as they fell, landing in her net of shadows below. Shinra fell silent. Frantic, Celty retrieved her PDA.  _[Please, wake up! Please don't die!]_

_"Don't do that, Celty. Shaking the wounded so hard."_

_[Idiot! You idiot!]_ Celty typed with one hand, and repeatedly jabbed her other into his side.  _[You're the most worthless idiot ever!]_

_"That hurts, Celty."_

_[One wrong move and you could have died! Shinra, you could've died, you know!]_

With a weak smile, Shinra put a hand on her shoulder.  _"I insulted your way of life as a Dullahan, as well as the future you'd chosen. Of course I had to risk my life, or else it wouldn't be fair, right?"_

_[You really are an idiot!]_

He was an idiot, but he was her idiot. He had undoubtedly done selfish things that impacted her, but he wasn't the villain he thought he was; not to her. All they needed was time, and space.

And so, Celty lost herself in these strange new places. Here, she wasn't the Headless Rider, or even a Dullahan; she was the nameless, faceless traveler seen by only a select few. She was a woman on a journey to nowhere, silent and contemplative. Darkness became her.

For the first time in twenty years, Celty Sturluson existed separate from the world.

It had been nice, while it lasted. After a month, she assumed Shinra had been tortured enough. She was ready to go home, ready to face him and hope for the best.

When she finally made her way back to the apartment she called home, she hesitated at the door.  _Is it too soon?_ She wondered.  _Is it too late?_ Well, perhaps that was a stupid question. It would never be too late with Shinra. Though it served no purpose for her functionless lungs, Celty took in a deep breath (how was unknown even to her) as she rang the doorbell.

"Coming!" Someone called from inside, and it didn't take long for Celty to recognize that strange, broken tone as Emilia's voice. Before she could curse the undeniable presence of Shingen, Emilia had opened the door and clasped her hands together. "Celty-san!" She exclaimed, smiling as she took one of Celty's hands in hers. "Come in. I'll go get Shinra-san!"

If Celty could have smiled, she would have.  _You don't have to keep adding -san, Emilia._ Following her mother-in-law's request, Celty entered the apartment, and a sudden wave of emotion came crashing over her. How could it hurt her so much, yet make her so happy to see this place again, she wondered. Emilia disappeared around the corner, and Celty removed her boots, closing the door behind her before heading down the hall. Shingen was seated at the kitchen table, and Celty didn't give him the time of day.

Emilia soon returned, and there was Shinra, sheepishly smiling as soon as their eyes met - for lack of a better term. "Hi, Celty."

Celty took a step forward, and Shinra tensed, bracing for a punch, or slap, or jab to the stomach. Celty did none of these things, instead pulling him into her embrace without a word. She swore she heard a sniffle, but when she finally let go, Shinra showed no signs of crying.

"Welcome home," he said softly.

Celty reached for her PDA and wrote, [I'm back.]

. . .

Naturally, Shinra didn't change overnight, but from the night she returned, it was obvious to her that he had done some reflecting, just from his body language. He maintained somewhat of a distance, something he hadn't done since before they had started dating. It was strange, not having him all over her.

[I don't mind, you know.] She told him one night, beckoning him to come closer as they sat on opposite ends of their couch.

Shinra chuckled weakly. "Sorry. I just wasn't sure..."

[I'm here, aren't I?]

With a smile, Shinra scooted closer, leaning to rest his head on her shoulder.

After a moment of blissful silence, Celty began typing. [How have you been?]

"Good," Shinra replied, less enthusiastic than normal, though nowhere near as forlorn as Celty might have expected. "Shizuo-kun's made a habit of visiting me on his day off. I think we've been a huge help for each other."

[Izaya?]

Shinra nodded. "The guilt of not knowing is eating away at him. And, hearing him talk about Orihara-kun without getting mad... well, it's been a bit of an eye-opener. And I can never know peace with Dad and Emilia around, so I haven't been bored," he teased, and Shingen sneezing was heard faintly from the guest room. "How about you?"

[Good. America's a nice place. Maybe next time I can see more of it than just highways and rest stops at three a.m.]

"Next time?"

[Well, we didn't really get to enjoy our vacation.]

Shinra beamed at that.

. . .

It didn't take long for Celty to become included in Shinra and Shizuo's weekly meetings, though if anything, she was more of a third wheel, off on the sidelines watching what was once only a semblance of a friendship into something neither man had probably imagined.

_"He's just a bad acquaintance that stuck,"_  Shizuo had told her once, though the smile on his face as he spoke to Shinra said otherwise.

Slowly, Shinra's life filled up with people outside of Celty. From drinking with Kadota and his ragtag group to keeping Anri company when Celty was out working and looking back fondly on old photos of him and Izaya, it seemed like he was always occupied outside of work. Their Christmas party the following year was perhaps the best evidence for Shinra's change. Together they sat surrounded by the familiar faces that made up their abnormal everyday, some more friendly than others, but all of them were connected regardless. Shinra, ever the dutiful host, moved from each guest, and Celty watched with a certain fondness tugging at her still heart.

Kishitani Shinra, the man who loved her more than anyone, knew her better than anyone. The man who had done everything for her, put his life on the line for her, done whatever it took to get her to stay with him.

He had never needed to go to such lengths, because she couldn't have found anyone better.

. . .

Twenty-three years and several months of planning later, they were officially married; thanks to Izaya, of all people. Married life was no different from the lives they had been leading, but their marriage was a soothing thought. She had meant it when she told Shinra she would stay with him forever, abandoning her head for her love.

That wasn't to say it had been flawless. There were bound to be arguments between the two of them, though they usually just ended in Celty jabbing Shinra's stomach, and that was that. The fights weren't as bad as the nightmares.

For some time, she had become plagued by dreams of losing Shinra, of that dreadful moment when forever had an expiration date.

Evidently, Shinra had caught on.

"Well..." Shinra began one night, as they both lie awake in the middle of the night. "I have been a little worried about you."

Celty's fingers hovered over the keypad as she attempted to formulate a response. [Worried? Why?]

"I've been worried about your nightmares."

The smoke from her neck flowed in a pattern that signaled her embarrassment; it became thicker and flowed faster than normal, though it wasn't out of control like when she was truly ashamed. In a way, this was a simple blush. She took a lot longer to respond than she should have, and Shinra raised his brows, questioning the truth of her statement. [They're nothing. I'm fine.]

"You know you can talk to me, Celty." His tone was gentle as he spoke, and it was enough to make Celty's smoke more erratic, bursting to form a small heart in the darkness. The covers, along with her PDA, fell as she reached out for him without warning, pulling him into an embrace.

She didn't have to type to know that her feelings would be conveyed to Shinra.

_Just let me stay here. Please._

Without a word, he accepted her embrace, holding her close. It took some time for Celty to pull away, and when she did, she reached for her PDA, holding it out for him to see.

[I love you.]

With a warm smile, Shinra replied, "I love you, too." He leaned in once more, pressing a kiss to her neck before shifting his weight, wrapping his arms around her and lying down on his back, pulling her down with him. Celty rested her neck against his chest, the smoke coming from the gaping hole slow once more.

The story of twisted love between Kishitani Shinra and Celty Sturluson now closes its curtains, for their love is no longer twisted.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I'm back a lot sooner than I thought I'd be! I was honestly going to put this off for a few weeks or so, but I got a comment last night that turned my world upside down - in the best way possible! Seriously, I hope you all know just how much your comments mean to me. ♥
> 
> Finally we see Celty's side of the story! Hopefully I did a good job with conveying her feelings. I know I didn't do the best job with Shinra's side, and I feel like it might still be a little lackluster here. Maybe that's just me doubting myself. But negativity aside, I was really inspired to write this in particular because I started rereading the light novels! They've really opened my eyes to bits of characterization I either missed or forgot about originally and they're making me fall in love all over again, so if my writing seems a little different, that's why.
> 
> I'm not done writing for Shinra and Celty yet, but if I can stick to my plan, then the van gang will be coming into the spotlight next! I do have some other fics for other fandoms I'm working on, so I can't say for sure when it'll be out, but it'll hopefully be out soon.
> 
> Finally, thank you to everyone for reading! Please let me know what you thought of this chapter! I feel like this is a step up from my other works; a baby step, but a step regardless.
> 
> I'll hopefully see you again soon!


End file.
